DARKlight

Everything is goin down the toilet

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 02:07:09 GMT

Why is it that when 1 thing goes wrong, 10 million things have to follow ir? It seems like in the past few months, eveything is turning to shit. And I am so sick of it. It all started when I quit my job. I mean eveything was going ok before I did that, but I was miserable. Now I am even more miserable than I was before. I mean since then, I have no money, the bank is calling me constantly, my boyfriend decided that he doesnt love me anymore, and it seems like I am not as good of friends with my 2 best friends as I used to be. It just doesnt seem like we are as close as we once were. I just want everything to go back to the way it was. But I know itsnot going to. I have never felt as depressed as I am right now. I have thoughts of killing myself more than I should. Like every night before I go to bed, that is what I am thinking of. Different ways to do it. And I feel like I cant talk to anyone abour it. I want to talk to my friemds about it, but I dont like bringing everyone down. i keep it inside. and i know that is bad to do but I cant help it. when i am feeling like this, it seems like the littlest thing can bring me down. the stupidest thing too. like if someone is introducing me to someone and they say this is my best friend anne, this is leah, and this is jessica. i thought I was a best friend. see that is stupid. i just feel like everytime i am around her, she is annoyed by my presence. and no matter who i am with, i always feel like the 3rd wheel. for some reason, i cant be outgoing like i used to be. i used to be able to talk to people. i cant do that anymore. i wish i could. and how i feel about myself...i used to be ok with how i looked. there are times now that i cant stand looking in the mirror. right now i feel like i am seriously the most disgusting person in the world. i want to feel pretty. i want people to think i am. but my self confidence has gone down hill. I dont know when it started but i want it to stop. i dont like feeling this way. and i dont know what to do anymore. i need help.

Weird

Thu, 22 Dec 2005 22:40:01 GMT

So......um....I just found out that my ex-boyfriend is moving to Nebraska. That is gonna be so weird!!! At first I thought that it was just gonna be his sister but now it's both of them. I'm kinda nervous for some reason. They're moving here the day after Christmas. Yeah...kinda all of the sudden, huh?! I'm sure it'll be ok though. I hope so. It's just gonna be so WEIRD!!!!

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 21:07:20 GMT

BITCH!!!!!

Pissed Off

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 22:30:35 GMT

I am so pissed off. We were supposed to be "best friends." Now it seems like she just wants me out of her life completely. 1st, she decides that she is moving to Texas with her exgirlfriend, which I think is kinda dumb in the 1st place. And in the past few weeks, I HAVE been trying to find somewhere else to live, but she just keeps on asking me. "Have you called your parents?" "Have you talked to your parents today?" "I dont mean to keep asking but you need to get on this." And it is really pissing me off. I am doing everything I can. I am working 2 jobs so that I can move out on MY OWN...even thought WE were supposed to move out together. But she changed that. I even wrote her a long letter about the whole thing 2 days ago. Did she ever talk about it? No. She said nothing about it. I took my time to write that letter and she cant even tell me how she feels about it. That makes me think that she doesnt care about my feelings. And that hurts. We are supposed to be friends. Now it seems like we're not. She is probably going to get pissed off that I am writing this but it is my opinion. I am allowed to have an opinion even if she thinks otherwise. I just need to get this out rather than talk to her about it. I've tried that before and gotten nothing from her. So this is the easiest way.

Wed, 21 Sep 2005 06:06:20 GMT

So it has been a while since I last updated. A lot has happened. One major thing. 2 years ago, I was going out with this guy named Ryan. He was the most wonderful this that ever happened to me. After about 3 months of us dating, he had to move back to arizona. to make a REALLY long story short, i am going to live with him now. i havent even seen him in 2 years. but i have no worries. i know everything is gonna be wonderful :) the picture i have is of him and his sister. isnt he gorgeous?

Sat, 23 Jul 2005 10:03:24 GMT

So wow...it has been a LONG time since i updated my journal. our computer has been broken and i have been so busy.
so lets see..what has happened since last time??? well, i was sleeping with this guy, Christian, who i really liked, got too attached, and had to end that because it just got too hard. honestly though, if he wanted to do it again, i so would. because OMG i need something. its only been a little over a month, but it seems like forever. what else...oh yeah...i have a girlfriend. for the most part, i guess it is good. we have been dating for a month now. at 1st, everything was great. like i loved being around her. but now....she is getting extremely clingy. she thinks that we have to always be together, and that gets old. and when we are, all we do is sit at her house and watch tv. yeah that gets a little boring. and for some reason, we get into so may fights. i dont get why. i mean we were never like that when we were just friends. never. and now it is all the time. i dont get it. it cant be healthy for a relationship. can it? and it is starting to seem like i have to watch what i do or say around her so not to piss her off. so i am thinking that we need to take to little break. ok no i lied. maybe permanently. at 1st, i thought just a little one, but i have been thinking about it and i dont see how it is ever gonna change. how can it? unless she goes through some life altering thing and she changes how she acts, then that is doubtful. it just seems like when we have good days, they are GREAT! but when they are bad, they are BAD. i mean bad. and it sucks never knowing how its gonna be because you cant tell what kind of day she having. so it makes it kinda hard. so really, i guess what i need is some advice on what yall would do. i am having a hard time with this. i have never actually broken up with some one i cared about. i mean i love her, i do. with all my heart, but i cant do this right now. it is too stressful. what do i do???????

Thu, 05 May 2005 05:16:52 GMT

So.............I had sex with Christian...and um.....yeah that is all I am gonna say....

Mon, 02 May 2005 23:45:13 GMT

Oh my goodness. i had the best day yesterday!!!!!! well i got home around noon. took a shower and everything. fell asleep at like 2. i was so tired. got waked up at like 4, by my dad saying someone was at the door for me. i had no idea who it could be because no one ever just comes over. i went upstairs, still half asleep and when i got to the living room, Christian was sitting on the couch. he really confuses me because just a few days ago, he told me he is not ready for a relationship, but now he is acting like we are going out. well, sorta. we went and walked around the mall for a few hours, we held hands. we kissed a few times. i dunno. and there is something in the way that he looks at me that makes me want to melt. when he looks into my eyes. UGh...i gotta stop there, cause i mean.....CREAM.

Sun, 24 Apr 2005 02:01:07 GMT

A few days ago, my priest was on the news because he got invited to go to Rome for the whole pope thing. Then last night, he was on Larry King Live. So I thought that was kinda cool. Neways, in all seriousness...

A while back, I posted about my cousin Michelle having kidney problems. That her kidneys just shut down. They had the hardest time trying to find someone who was able to transplant. Her sister, Kaylynn wanted to do it, but that doctors said that because of her age they would not do it. Since she is at the age that people start having kids i guess. She would have complications if she were to do it. So my Aunt Sherry is gonna do it. They go in at 6 am on Tuesday so can everyone who actually prays, can ya pray for them please. It would mean a lot. Thanks!!!

Mon, 18 Apr 2005 03:57:26 GMT

YAY FOR JOSH!!!!!

What do ya think????

Sun, 17 Apr 2005 15:27:55 GMT

Sat, 16 Apr 2005 20:04:27 GMT

Sat, 16 Apr 2005 05:14:03 GMT

Reply with your name and I'll tell you something I adore about you.

Afterwards, copy and paste this into your own journal, so I may do the same.

GUESS WHAT????!!!!!

Mon, 11 Apr 2005 23:07:28 GMT

I have a date on Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm SO excited!!!!!!

Fri, 08 Apr 2005 03:07:16 GMT

so i think i am bi.........

Sat, 02 Apr 2005 05:04:18 GMT

so i really, really want to get another tattoo but i don't know what i should get. i have one on my ankle that has to do with soul mates and then one on my back that says pure. i am thinking i want the next one on my back too. i just don't know what to get. any ideas????? i need help!!!

This makes me happy :)

Tue, 29 Mar 2005 00:54:49 GMT

Josh Groban concert!!!!!

Sun, 27 Mar 2005 06:53:05 GMT

k so i guess i should tell everyone about my concert. i mean it WAS 2 days ago. i have tried to put my pics online but i am having trouble with that. ok so this is how it started out.... i got off at 1, went home and waited for Rachel(the girl who was going to the concert with me) to get off work. she only got to get off 1/2 early(3:30) so we were on the road by 4. we finally got to the convention center around 6:15. the parking was awesome! there was just a big parking lot in the front. all of the concerts that i have been to, we had to pay to park and it was still far away. but this was right in the front. neways....we waited inside until about 7 when they opened the gates to let us in. then we went to find out where our seats were. we had 12th row center. it was a lot closer than i thought it would be! before the concert started, this guy in front of us turned around and said " i have a little factoid for ya." we were both like "Um...ok" then he started going on about how he went to this college and he had this friend that went there with him that was sitting up front and he hadn't seen him in years. he went to go talk to him and turned out that he had a daughter named January Jones that had been going out with Josh for the past two year. i told rachel it was a sign. that this was out chance to meet Josh. i mean why would some random guy just tell us this???? it was like the 7 degrees to Josh Groban. Now i can say that i met the guy that went to college with January Jones's dad. gonna fast forward a little to 8:00.... the opening act was Chris Botti and his band. but the drummer was actually from Stings band, which was pretty cool. after about 6 songs, they brought Josh's makeup artist out(can't remember her name...i think it starts with an "L") and she sang a song. she was REALLY good!! after Chris played, there was a 1/2 hour intermission. we got to meet chris and i got my pic taken with him. he's pretty good lookin too! then after the intermission, it was time for JOSH!!!!! oh my goodness it was amazing!!! and he is so much funnier than on LaTG. for one of his gifts, he got a ginormous bag of pixie sticks, then he started talking about how he was gonna be covert in sugar. and the whole audience started cheering. then he said "not that way you pervs!" it was funny. the whole concert was great!!! the best one i have ever been to. after the concert, we decided to go wait by his bus to meet him. we stood outside for about an hour. it was FREEZING!!! but we met A LOT of interesting people. there were three older ladies that had been to all 33 shows. CRAZY!!!! i mean, think of how much money that is!!!! josh finally came out to sign stuff but he said that they were running really late and that they needed to get on the road so he couldn't get his pic taken with anyone. but he posed for me!!!! that is what my icon is!!! neways...he is even sexier in person, let me tell ya!!! after all of that, me and rachel started walking back to my car, actually rachel was running, but i slowed down cause i saw lucia. she was standing in front of one of the buses talking, well, actually yelling at this guy. she was like "if you don't take care of your wife next time, i am gone. like she was seriously pissed off. i dunno if anyone else was around to hear that or not, but weird. i just wanna know what happened to make her so mad. :( we finally got back to the car. we were both freaking out from the whole experience. we eventually got back on the road. it was about 20 minutes later when we were driving on the interstate and all of the sudden, this big tour bus came zooming past us. we, of course, screamed and i almost went off the road. at that time, even thought it was raining a little, had our windows down and were blasting Josh Groban. then rachel said that of that is his bus, we shouldn't be blasting his music cause we'd look like idiots. so we put in Good Charlotte instead. for a while, we were driving right by them, then we slowed down a little. but still kinda by em. all of the sudden, the back window opens and Josh sticks his head out and does that hand sign that is like "rock on." then he stuck is head back in and the bus sped up a little. man i wish i had more pictures in my camera. nothing exciting ever happens to me, and then when it does, i cant take pictures of it. i guess that is my fault though. at the beginning of the concert, i was a little picture happy. i only brought 3 rolls of film and used a whole one of the opening act. and another thing that suck is since i didn't use my flash, most of my pictures turned out really weird lookin. ooh and another thing....i lost my cell phone. when we were 1st walking into the auditorium, i called my mom to tell her that we made it ok. then, i put it in my purse. after the concert i was gonna look and see what time it was and my phone wasn't in my purse. so that really sucks. i just bought it about a month ago. it was like $75. ugh. that makes me mad. i have tried to call it, but i guess no one ever found it cause no one ever answers. so yeah. sorry xo__paperhearts, i totally forgot to call you. but even if i did remember, i couldn't have. i guess i kinda have a good reason. i should go, cause i am really sleepy, plus, easter is tomorrow, er, today. so HAPPY EASTER YA'LL!!

Sat, 26 Mar 2005 05:23:32 GMT

i can't get my pictures from my concert to show up. somebody help!!!!

Thu, 24 Mar 2005 20:03:55 GMT

6 hours until I am in the same room as Josh Groban. You have no idea, well maybe ya do, how excited I am. AAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wed, 23 Mar 2005 03:51:18 GMT

isn't he a looker?!

Wed, 23 Mar 2005 01:28:08 GMT

2 days til the concert!!!! AHHHH!!! this may sound stupid, but i am starting to get nervous. i don't know why but i am. i have never wanted to see someone so badly. ugh. i can't wait!!! i went through the whole day today thinking it was wednesday and that tomorrow was the concert. i didn't realize it until about 6 today. so now it is gonna go by even slower. i just know it. on a good note. i am starting to feel better. i mean i am still a little stuffy, but not as bad as the weekend. so hopefully by thursday, i will be feelin good. i got nothin else to say. i think i am gonna watch live at the greek or the other live one. i don't know which one i like better. i could just watch then both, right?! i am such a loser. i guess i will go now! bye

Mon, 21 Mar 2005 18:31:59 GMT

Meagan can't go to the concert anymore. her math professor said she needs to be in class this week cause they are learning new stuff and without it, she's fail. so i dunno what i am gonna do :(

Sun, 20 Mar 2005 04:48:35 GMT

YAY!!!!! i now have a paid account!!!!

Sun, 20 Mar 2005 01:30:35 GMT

Guess what???!!! Josh Groban is 5 days away(March 24th)!!!! i am so excited!!! except for the fact that yesterday, i started getting a cold. i feel like crap. i hope that i am feeling better by thursday. i mean, no matter what, i am gonna go, but it would be better if i was feeling good. so my friend Meagan from work is going with me. we are both getting off at 1 and getting on the road by about 2. we should get there around 4. i hope i get to meet him. this is the only concert that i have wanted to go to so badly besides hanson in 6th or 7th grade. i didn't get to see them, of course. the girl that i was with, her mom was pregnant and wasn't feeling well so we had to leave. it was one of those all day, outside concerts with a bunch of bands. that was probably one of the worst days in my pre-adolescent life. so i cried all the way home. just like that damn little pig. except with out the "wee wee wee." neways....

my friend Jen that was supposed to go with me hadn't been returning any of my calls so i wan't sure if she was gonna go or not. so i invited meagan. for a while, i had known that she was really depressed and was having health issues, so he not going to the concert wasn't really a big deal, just as long as i had someone to go with. just tonight, i found out that she has to get her tonsils out and she had he kidneys "apt" or something like that. i am not sure exactly what that means, but i am guessing that it isn't good. at least i have someone to go with though. i just feel bad for her. she has had so many troubles throughout her life and this just adds to it. she was born with muscular dystrophy. she has had back and kidney problems. she has had at least 3 surgeries on her back already and she is only 23. one time, she told me that when she was 16, because she had so many medical problems and there was just so much wrong with her, they were surprised that she was still living. at 16 they gave her about 10 years to live. so now she is getting scared. she has always wanted children but she is not able to have any. her mom said she could adopt but she doesn't want to because she doesn't know how much longer she will be here and she doesn't want to leave a kid here without a mom. she has come through so much in her life and she plans a=on living it to the fullest, as long as she can. i don't know what i would do without her. if anyone out there prays, can you please pray for her. she really needs it. or at least comment on this to let me know that you are thinking of her. thanks and good night!